Future Schmuely "Snot" Lonstein(Timeline 1)



Who are you? I'm you, Steve, from the year 2040. And I'm you, Snot, and we're here to warn you. You can't go back to that party. If you're from the future, who wins the world series next year? Rene Russo. Buckle up, it's a crazy season. [Soft rock music playing] Future us? We're so polished. Steve, look at us! We're still hanging out. Yeah, we're best friends, like Taylor Swift and Usain Bolt. Oh, you don't know about that yet. They become best friends, briefly overthrow the U. S. government, and are beheaded together in Times Square. Steve, they don't want a boring history lesson. What's important is we've been inseparable for, like, 30 years. And together, we invented the time machine. See, here's the secret to life If you're an awkward outsider as a kid, you end up being a rich, cool, and very successful adult. <span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(51,51,51);font-family:OpenSans,sans-serif;line-height:normal;">But a few days ago, we had a couple failures in the lab, and that was weird. <span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(51,51,51);font-family:OpenSans,sans-serif;line-height:normal;">And when I got a memory of getting a blow job in high school, we knew something was very wrong. <span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(51,51,51);font-family:OpenSans,sans-serif;line-height:normal;">[Sarcastically] Oh, no, that's so bad. <span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(51,51,51);font-family:OpenSans,sans-serif;line-height:normal;">We checked the security footage from our lab and noticed that Mertz stole one of our time machines. <span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(51,51,51);font-family:OpenSans,sans-serif;line-height:normal;">I bet Mertz was that janitor in Bobby Freeze! He he told us to have a party. <span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(51,51,51);font-family:OpenSans,sans-serif;line-height:normal;">Oh! He wants you to be cool now so in the future, you aren't as successful. <span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(51,51,51);font-family:OpenSans,sans-serif;line-height:normal;">You guys can't go back down to that party. <span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(51,51,51);font-family:OpenSans,sans-serif;line-height:normal;">What? You're asking us to give up our chance to be popular and talk to all the girls who are here to see us? It better be worth it for us later on. <span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(51,51,51);font-family:OpenSans,sans-serif;line-height:normal;">Oh, it is. <span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(51,51,51);font-family:OpenSans,sans-serif;line-height:normal;">I've had sex four times with three different women. <span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(51,51,51);font-family:OpenSans,sans-serif;line-height:normal;">You hear that, Snot? Someone came back for seconds. <span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(51,51,51);font-family:OpenSans,sans-serif;line-height:normal;">Snot? He went down to the party! He's gonna ruin everything! Okay, go get him, but don't talk to anyone. <span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(51,51,51);font-family:OpenSans,sans-serif;line-height:normal;">Don't do anything memorable. <span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(51,51,51);font-family:OpenSans,sans-serif;line-height:normal;">Just make your usual zero impact on people. <span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(51,51,51);font-family:OpenSans,sans-serif;line-height:normal;">Your future depends on it. <span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(51,51,51);font-family:OpenSans,sans-serif;line-height:normal;">What happens to me and Toshi? Toshi stopped talking to us after high school. <span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(51,51,51);font-family:OpenSans,sans-serif;line-height:normal;">[Speaks Japanese] And Barry, old friend, you died young in a formula one accident. <span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(51,51,51);font-family:OpenSans,sans-serif;line-height:normal;">Did a wheel hop the grandstand and take my head off because I was looking the other way because of nachos? No, you were a super famous driver. <span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(51,51,51);font-family:OpenSans,sans-serif;line-height:normal;">Oh. <span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(51,51,51);font-family:OpenSans,sans-serif;line-height:normal;">In fact, during your final grand prix, you got blinded by the amount of tits being flashed in your face. <span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(51,51,51);font-family:OpenSans,sans-serif;line-height:normal;">But you kept your foot on the gas, Barry. <span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(51,51,51);font-family:OpenSans,sans-serif;line-height:normal;">That was your way. <span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(51,51,51);font-family:OpenSans,sans-serif;line-height:normal;">No one had ever seen a blind guy drive so straight. <span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(51,51,51);font-family:OpenSans,sans-serif;line-height:normal;">If only it had been a straight course. <span style="font-weight:normal;color:rgb(51,51,51);font-family:OpenSans,sans-serif;line-height:normal;">I don't wanna do this.