Ultroids

[Loki] Listen well, and I shall tell you a tale of how this strife began. When the Nine Realms were young, my uncle, Cul Borson, now known as the Serpent, planted the World Tree. Okay, here's the deal: Odin's bro took over Asgard, Thor broke the Rainbow Bridge to keep them from getting the Bifrost, which we used to bring you guys here to help. Any questions? Oh, yeah, Quill. I got one. Has the green guy over here ever heard of deodorant? 'Cause he's foul. Howard here must be talking about Drax. That is unlikely, Hulk. The scent of Drax is the musky aroma of victory. [sniffing] [Rocket] Huh. That ain't what I'm smellin'. [Nebula] All I smell is sanctimonious drivel. I am Groot. I am Groot! How am I supposed to know what it is? It's a spore from the corrupted World Tree. One of many, no doubt. The Serpent has gone on the attack using the tree as his weapon, just as he always planned. - We gotta stop those spores! - Quill, we don't even have a ship. We don't need a ship. We have the Bifrost. Right, Loki? But we'd still need Dragonfang to stop the Serpent. - Say what what now? - [sighs] Dragonfang. It's a sword created in Asgard's Great Forge and enchanted by Hela, Queen of the Fallen. It drove back the corrupted World Tree, but when it struck the Serpent himself, it shattered. - You guys never heard of duct tape? - Rocket's right. How hard could it be to fix a broken sword? I mean, it's a sword. Dragonfang isn't one of your gaudy playthings, Stark. And even if you could reforge the sword, the fragments were lost, scattered across the galaxy. But Heimdall could see the entire galaxy from here. Look, there's gotta be a way we can use the Bifrost to find the broken pieces. Search Asgardian data with Stark Industries tech. Yeah, I could make this work if Loki will quit whining and help me. [dramatic music] All right. Well, while you do that, we'll split up into three sword-fragment-retrieval strike teams. Sweet. Who wants to be on Team Quill? [music distorts, stops] Oh, come on! That's not even physically possible! [Iron Man] Just so we're clear, the fact that I'm using your tech - doesn't meant that I trust you. At all. - Oh, I should hope not. You're much too clever for that. [beeps] Whoa! Hey! We got one! It's near a planet called "Soonevh," inside a star. Wait. Soonevh? Open up that Bifrost, horn-head. We got this. This rock is so tiny that it needs a gravity-control gizmo to hold on to its own atmosphere. All we gotta do is get into that tower, rejigger the Gravity Matrix, and use it like a magnet to pull the fragment right to us. And what makes Rocket think locals will allow this? [together] What they don't know won't hurt 'em. Huh. Look at us, together again, pulling a classic Rocket and Howard heist. Howard and Rocket. [chuckles] Just like old times. [growls] I am Groot! Yeah, you're right, bud. The locals have tapped into the Matrix for everything. Power, irrigation Even weather control. So if we flip the whole system The entire planet will know we're here. [door opens] [air whooshes] So I'll reroute the backup comms. While I run a patch around the main breaker. Perfect Howard and Rocket plan. Uh, Rocket and Howard. [chuckles] It's like we can read each other's minds. Cosmo read both minds. Trust me, is not pretty. So what if Rocket thinks Howard is lazy, or Howard thinks Rocket never shares credit. You think I'm lazy? I'll share credit when I don't gotta do everything myself! Why, you furry little [grunts] [blows landing] [both grunting] [Rocket] Who you calling "fur" [both yelling] At least I got a brain! What's your excuse? [blow lands] [Rocket groans] [blows continue landing] I am Groot! Oy. Enough is being enough. [straining] Finish saving galaxy, then beat krutack out of each other. Fine. Whatever. [yells, grunts] [grunts] Here. Make yourself useful. That a real Rigellian quantum circuit router? Nice! [electricity arcing] It's just one circuit, right? No one's even gonna notice. [thunderclap] [wind howling] [thunderclap] Nyet! Everyone notice! I am Groooot! Not to worry, tree friend. Cosmo fetch. Oh, nyet! Who is to be fetching Cosmo? I am Groot! [grunts] Da! Now would be good time for Rocket and Howard to cooperate. - Uh, Howard and Rocket. - Rocket and Howard. Why you two just stand there? Fix gravity thing! [together] He's the one who broke it! [sighs] I am Groot. No more argue. Focus on what you like about each other. Da? Okay. Okay, Howard is thinking has always admired Rocket's loyalty to Groot. Aw. Really? And Rocket is thinking Eh, hang on. [muttering] Ah! Rocket like Howard's hat. Seriously? My hat? That's the best you got? Trust me, Cosmo had to dig deep for that. [both grunt] Now please to cooperate before Cosmo mangle both like chew toy! Fine. Just let us down, you krutackin' mutt. [both grunt] [thud] We don't gotta be sneaky no more. So let's just fire a grav-beam into the star. Yank the sword fragment out. [together] And get the flarg outta here! [sighs] Duck and Rodent finally pass obedience school. [clatter, thud] [Howard grunts] You sure you know where you're going? [Rocket grunts] Why don't you look where you're going?! I am Groot! [Cosmo grunts] Cosmo look, but Cosmo cannot see. [sighs] Much better. [grunts] Hey. Little help here? [yells, grunts] [thuds] [groans] Never minds. You know, we should really team up again, pull off some really big jobs. System's fixed, storm's over, and the fragment is on its way. Another classic Howard and Rocket heist. [chuckles] Rocket and Howard heist. This is what I'm talking about. You never wanna give me credit. That's 'cause you're always taking credit! You know what? I oughta take this hat you like so much - and shove it down your throat! - I am Groot! - I am Groot! - Yeah? Well, the joke's on you, - 'cause I don't really like your hat! - You lied to me? [yells] I am Groot! Da. You are being welcome. [gasps] I am Groot! Careful! Sword seems particularly lethal to tree. All the better to chop down that World Tree-controllin' Serpent with. I bet Iron Man pops his rivets when he finds out I got the fragment. You got the fragment? That is so typical. You never give me an ounce of credit for any of our heists! Yeah, but that's only 'cause you deserve it. [grunts] Let me show you what you deserve. Rocket and Howard! [blows landing] Howard and Rocket! [blows continue] [both yelling] Quit it, quit it, quit it! [yelling continues] [sighs] Never work with talking animals. I am Groot. [beeps] Ah! Another fragment of Dragonfang. On Sirius IV. [groans] Dismal little world. It's in some kind of military facility. Probably heavily guarded. - An excellent job for Team Green. - Team Smash. [sighs] How about Team I'm-in-Charge? We don't want to attract attention. Intruder alert. Intruder alert. [grunts] [yells] So much for not attracting attention. [grunts] [weapons continue firing] [grunting] [grunts] I cleared the intruder alert. We should be safe as long as we don't run into any more Ultroids. Huh! We better. I barely got to smash any robots. I agree with Hulk, Gamora. Smashing two robots is very unsatisfying. Yeah, you only smashed one, little man. [robot debris clatters] Weapons don't count. - Drax destroyed just as many as Hulk! - Guys, it's not a competition. Let's just find the sword fragment and get out of here. We'll wait until they leave, then [yells] Intruder alert Drax, that was completely unnecessary. Not true, Gamora. Now I have smashed one more than Hulk. [groans] At least we found the fragment. Curious. Why would someone send the sword's fragment's energy down into this pit? Loki said Dragonfang drove back the corrupted World Tree. Maybe they're trying to destroy the plant life on this planet. Which means removing it will only improve things here. So let's bash this box open so we can get back to smashin' robots. No. According to the computer, this whole place is rigged to self-destruct if the chamber is breached in any way. That explains why there's nobody but robots here. The entire facility is expendable. Aw, I been blown up lots of times. Well, I'd like to avoid that. We'll have to shut off the power to the entire base before we open the chamber. Those cables should lead me to the generator. I'll go shut it down, then signal you from that window up there when it's safe to open the chamber. But absolutely no smashing until I give the signal. - Got it? - What signal? This signal. Ah! The signal! [grunts] That's not the signal! She was just showing us! Right. When I go like this That is the signal! [yells] After I go away, I'll come back to that window and give the signal. Then, only after I come back, you and Hulk can smash. Got it? - You do not have to patronize me. - [sighs] Keep an eye on him. I'm gonna go blow the generator. [grunting] How am I the smartest guy in the room? [whirring] [grunts, yells] Shutdown procedure. Shut [grunts] [groans] Hmm. Something ain't right. She's taking too long. We oughta crack this thing open and take our chances. But Gamora has not yet returned. Wake up, ya jerk. Something went wrong! She ain't coming back! [grunts] You do not know Gamora. She will return. [grunts] Outta my way, little man. No. There will be no smashing until Gamora gives the signal. Oh, there's gonna be smashin', starting with you! [both grunting] [yells] Huh! What a numbskull. [grunts] Hey! If you don't put me down, you're gonna be real sorry. I am already sorry, as you are a noble warrior, but we cannot smash until Gamora gives the signal! [growls] [groans] Intruder captured in Main Power. Requesting Interrogation Unit. [grunting] [grunts] "Easy 15-step shutdown procedure"? I've only got time for one step. [yells] [descending whirring] [sighs] I can smash with the best of them. [both grunting] [yells] [groaning] Hey, look. Gamora's back, and she's doing the signal. - [grunts] You are clearly trying to trick me. - You knucklehead! You were the one who was sure she was coming back! [grunts] I believe in her, but I do not believe you! [both yell] [both grunting] Hey! Quit wrestling and smash open the chamber! - What are you waiting for? - We are waiting for the signal. [groans, scoffs] That is not the signal. There. Happy? - Uhh - Yes! Yeah! [both yell] [both grunting] I probably should have made another signal to get them to stop. Uh, guys, you need to see this. - The last sword fragment? - Something far worse. The spores have hit the planet Dasos. The wave of spores will sweep across the galaxy. [roaring] The insects are carrying the planet's life energy back to Asgard, to the Serpent, leaving lifeless worlds in its wake. [whimpers] The World Tree has become a life siphon. I'm not gonna let that happen. Not to the galaxy, not even to this one planet. - Open the Bifrost. - The destruction has already begun. Nothing can save that planet now. - Then we save the people. - Let's squash some bugs. We're outlaws, Quill. We don't rescue people. You rescued me once, Yondu. That's 'cause I didn't want my crew eating up precious cargo. Uh-huh. [whimpers] Help! Get back! [shrieks] Go! Now! [both yelling] - Sam, make sure none of those bugs leave the planet. - On it! Well Me and Nebula will check these here houses, - make sure they're empty. - Fine. Make sure they're empty of valuables, that is. [chuckling] I've got my eye on something much more valuable than trinkets. It's like an old-time arcade shooter. They keep coming faster and faster! Beat it, creepy crawler! Go on! [tree creaking] Guys, your safe house isn't safe anymore! Ha! Another heroic save by Star-Lord! [male villager] Help! Someone please help us! [whistling] Go on now. Ain't safe to stay. I believe I'll rescue a few other things while I'm here. [chuckles] [grunting] There it is the perfect aerial attack beast. I will break you. Ha! Don't like that, do ya? [yells] [groans] [growling] If I wouldn't let my own crew eat ya, boyo, I sure ain't gonna let some krutackin' bug do it. [whistling] Yeah, I admit it. You was always more than just cargo to me. [screeching] [groans] [bugs hissing] Yondu! - Get this lunkhead somewhere safe! - What about you? I can take care of myself. Now git! All right. Let's do this. [grunts] Aah! [grunts, growls] [screeches] [yells] I ain't going down without a fight! [Quill gasps] Wha What's going on? Relax, hero. I got you. Yondu told me to take you somewhere safe. He's back there playing with more bugs. [both yell] Oh, crud. Ha! Now I got you. I am so sorry. But why were you riding a bug? I'll explain later. Go find Yondu. I think he's making a break for it. [grunts] Yondu wouldn't run. Not from you, anyway. I saw the fool drop his loot just to save you. What? W-What are you talking about? Quill, I took out the last of the bugs. But Yondu This is all that was left. Yondu Quill, where is Yondu? Yondu didn't make it. I am Groot. The one time in his miserable life he actually tried to do something good. - Big mistake. - Don't even. This needs to mean something. Please tell me you found that last sword fragment. [Iron Man] Well, we found it, but It's deep within Niffleheim, the land ruled by Hela, and quite possibly the most dangerous place - in all the Nine Realms. - What do you mean, "quite possibly"? I cannot say for certain, because no one has ever returned from Hela's domain alive. Fine. Who's up for a road trip? For Yondu. Read more: https://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/view_episode_scripts.php?tv-show=marvels-guardians-of-the-galaxy-2015&episode=s03e24