Princess Fran-cinatra

Can I have a drink? You can have anything you want. Anything I want. It's been a long time since I've heard that. That's the beauty of LARPing. Take Barry. At home, his mom won't let him use the iron. Yet here, he runs a successful imaginary dry cleaners. This is a place of dreams, where no one tells you how to live your life but you. Wow! That sounds really nice. At home, I'm such a second-class citizen. I mean, it's not like I'm asking to be treated like a princess or anything. GIRL: I present our new princess Fran-cinatra! (all cheering) Thank you! You're too kind. I don't want that thing. Thank you. - Mom? - SNOT: Hey, Stever-O! Can you believe it? The princess bumped me up to a "B" minus! Now I can cater cyber-mitzvahs. But the city bylaws say nothing about a princess having jurisdictional authority over the health board. A princess has authority over everything! (whooshing noise) Just think like we don't really need a princess. since the mayor was going such a good job. Remember, everybody, how happy we were with just the mayor? You know what the princess has been dying to try? That new Cho-nut place. Who wants to accompany their princess to the planet Choculus?! Yeah, we never go off-world, right, guys? Now I'm LARPing as IKEA furniture! Our first stop is the international tank. These are Swedish fish. Their usual habitat is a bag at 7-Eleven. Next, we have the rarest fish known to man the talking fish. So what's with kids these days? Such little bitches. Playing games on their phone where the goal is crushing candy? You know what I played when I was a kid? Steal Grandpa's Playboys. And the goal was to jerk off! Ha ha. Uh Uh, hey, kids, how would you like to swim with the dolphins? Real members of the 1984 Miami Dolphins. Kowalski, go! Amazing creatures. They're actually the second-smartest mammals on the planet due to their head injuries. Now, for the big finale (singing "Jaws" theme) Shark! That's it?! My uncle's a drug dealer. He has two just like this. This is bad. Don't worry, Stan, I know his uncle. Small-time shit, no threat to my crew at all. What? No, we're hemorrhaging money. Maybe I should just get rid of the shark. Or or you double down. Do I have your permission to buy a whale? Always. (humming) I hope the laundry monster's hungry. Wait, to do now? Yep, morale's been really low around OceanLand, so we had ourselves an old-fashioned chum fight. It did the trick. But I've been looking forward to LARPing at the park. Not happening, Francine. See, you live in a fantasy world, while I live in the real world where I run a marine park out of my home to raise money to save my shark. Steve! Can you give me a hand so I won't have to miss LARPing today? Ooh. I was gonna get there a little early. Come on, Steve. Your princess needs you here. Yeah, the thing is, here you're not the princess. You're just a bloody underwear cleaner. I don't know. (whistles) I need you to stop whatever you're doing and have these done by 5:00. Uh This is real laundry. Take my spaceship. Princess, wasn't expecting you to grace us so soon. May I query as to what those boxes are for? Queer away, Steve. They're for expanding the colony to other fields not covered in steaming piles of crystals. - Ooh! - Space mansions! Are you crazy?! If we expand, we'll intrude on the J. V. football field. You're asking for war. Stop questioning your princess and step aside. No! I've stood silent too long! I should have spoken up last week when you called the sand worm worshippers, of which I am one, a "fringe cult. " But this endangers everything we've built. You can't to this! No one says "can't" to the princess. For your insolence, I hereby banish you to the jungles of Gymnasia. Not the prison planet! No! Ducks are Green! Ty-Ty, go long! Oof! What the hell is this?! It's bad enough no one comes to our games, and we don't get to practice on the varsity field. We don't need your nerd crap in our way! Our colony is under new management, and like Charlotte, North Carolina, we are both fast-growing and completely devoid of culture. Did Charlotte, North Carolina, just get dadded? No, Barry, "American Dad" loves everyone now. That's right, America. We want you to know you are loved! Except for you, Bend, Oregon filthy gutter trash. I know money's a concern, but I discovered that when you open your search to whales with checkered pasts, the price goes way down. So, is he dangerous? No, just a few misunderstandings. But if it's against the rules to kill a few people at a Canadian marine park, then you're gonna have to fire me, too. No, you can't take them! This is their home! (sobbing) They're gonna be so happy. You did such a great job with them. We're gonna let you train the new orca. - (growling) - (chuckles) I-I mean, I didn't do that great of a job. You're gonna love Killatun. He's a sweetheart. Stan, he came with a Rolex! We're already making money off this baby! I was thinking, when we get back, I'd like to execute one citizen, you know, as a show of power. Smart. I'll make a list of potential candidates just after the colony finishes burning. The colony! (tires squeal) No! Is there anything crueler than when a father must rebuild his dry cleaning business?! People of the outlands, we demand space justice. Whoa! We're in the middle of practice. Maybe you should practice rebuilding the colony you destroyed. Look, lady, you can't put your garbage on our field. And you can't order me around. I'm royalty. No, you're a sad housewife who spends her days playing dress-up, bossing around a bunch of geeks. You're You're right. Now we have nowhere to LARP! Well, at least we got to LARP long enough for Cat Girl and Glove Nose to permanently confuse what I consider sexual. I know I messed up. A cake gets messed up. A Quiznos bathroom gets messed up. You destroyed a galaxy, mother! I know you don't care, but I needed that place. Steve, stop lecturing your mother. It's Daddy's turn! Francine, how committed are you to OceanLand? - Well - Because it seems you're two laundry loads short of full commitment. You put your clothes in the chum buckets With the chum? Yeah, but you don't have to wash the chum. I mean, unless We'll get back to you on the chum. I used to be a princess. Jeez. Hey, after a quick pow-wow, we realized how ridiculous we were being about the chum. Of course we want it cleaned. Hey, Mom, I'm sorry. For what? I'm the one who messed up your game. Destroyed our galaxy. But it only happened because you found the true meaning of LARPing, escaping from your life. Well, I guess there's no escape for me anymore. You're right. It would be hard to escape from this dungeon we're in. Because an ogre locked us down here to wash his clothes day and night! Yes! And when the work is done, that vile ogre drags me to his bed and fumbles with my bra strap until he gets frustrated and asks me to do it. And then the real work starts. And now my character is totally deaf. A deaf slave, whistling his tuneless laundry song. (whistling tunelessly) No, Steve, you're not a slave. You're a twice-elected moisture farm colony mayor, and you know what a colony mayor needs? His colony. You're right! It's time for me to be a man and reclaim my make-believe village with the help of my mother. Okay, Killatun, let's let's roll over. (applause) (snarls) Oh, my God, Stan, we have to act fast! No! (crowd screaming) (smooches) - (applause) - Wow. He's a sweetheart, folks. Wave to the crowd, Killatun. (cheering) (screaming) (siren wails) I don't get it! What happened? I may have an idea. In order to afford the whale who was great, right? Total pro, good value, nice find, Roger, yay We had to cut a few corners. One of those corners was real bleachers, so I just made bleachers with the 3-D printer. I guess they just can't get wet. Roger, I'm ruined! Stan, baby, you're not looking at the big picture. I came into this with nothing, and now I'm leaving with a 3-D printer and a Rolex. A Rolex, Stan. A "Rodex"? This has been a disaster! - Hut, hut! - Wait! Well, well, well. Someone wants to get Korean barbecue with old Coach Milonis. I'm here to ask you to give these kids the field back. What, so they can run around in weird outfits playing make-believe? Yeah. Look, some kids dream they're space colonists, and others, well, they dream about being on varsity football. We all want to be something we're not. So a housewife gets to be a princess and a J. V. coach gets to pretend anybody cares. (sighs) It's true. During games, I wear a big headset like in the pros, but I'm just listening to Phil Collins. That's okay! We just need to realize we're in this together. And maybe We can even help each other. Okay, guys, I know it's our first time playing in front of a crowd, but don't be nervous. It's just like any other game except the entire galaxy is watching. Break. Hut, hut, hike! (horn blares) (cheering) Princess, you've shown the wisdom of a logic droid and the bravery of a a Oh, I don't know, let's say let's say moon lion. And for that, we make you queen. With this crown, I pronounce you Wait! Are those dilithium crystals? Nothing but the finest for our queen. I just I just don't get it. There are pine cones everywhere. You mean barnathium crystals? Those are worthless. Well, now I must return to my home world to restore order. I'll pick you up at 4:30, Mr. Mayor. My shark just swam out the front door. Did you set it free? Shut up and hang these curtains. Whoa! What's got into you? I'm queen of this castle. Now get to hanging. (sighs) I guess none of the husbands in this neighborhood are getting a break today. You're free now! Go! No, Kowalski, y-you have to go. Get on! Just just leave me alone! Get out of here, you stupid fish!