1 Any escape artist worth his salt will have a bobby pin somewhere on his person at all times.
[Grunting.]
[Groans.]
Lewis: Next! And what's your talent, son? I can translate any Morse-code transmission from anywhere in the world.
Prepare to be amazed.
[Machine clicks.]
[Static.]
At the moment, no one is sending any messages.
Get off my stage! [Grunts.]
[Audience booing.]
[Grunts.]
I did not become a high-school principal to put on an unentertaining talent show! That means no crappy acts and strict enforcement of my famous one-slot-per-talent policy to ensure some [Bleep.]
variety! One singer, one tumbler, one Annie Oakley-style trick-shootin' cowgirl [Gun clicks.]
and one hot-dog speed-eater! The fat one.
[Grunts.]
Hut! [Tray clatters.]
That singing slot is yours, buddy.
A.
J.
Slick doesn't stand a chance.
A.
J.
: My ears are burning.
And that usually only happens when I hear Steve's singing.
- Hey, A.
J.
- Please Call me A.
J.
Slick.
I just wanted to say "good luck.
" How about a little lemonade to lube the old larynx? Wow, now now that's sportsmanship.
Heh.
Thanks, A.
J.
Blech! [Coughing.]
Oh, did I say lemonade? I meant Lemon Pledge.
You've been Slick'd! Lewis: Steve Smith? ["Grease (Is the Word)" plays.]
[Hoarsely.]
They think our love is just a growing pain Lewis: Off my stage! [Audience booing.]
Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Aah! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I was heavily penalized for withdrawing funds from my 401(k) early, but it was all worth it to get my hands on this baby.
The world's last Milkybar Choo.
Francine: Achoo! [Blows nose.]
Sorry, Klaus.
My allergies have just been kicking my ass, and nothing seems to help.
You know what's great for hay fever? Locally produced honey.
Local honey, huh? Let me just run it by my allergist.
We don't need that money-grubbing allergist horning in on the profits from our nnn All: New local honey business! - [Door opens.]
- [Mumbling.]
Stupid talent show.
Stupid singing.
A.
J.
What's wrong, son? [Normal voice.]
Everybody acts like the talent show is such a big deal And right they are.
No one ever forgets the winner of their high-school talent show.
Ours was Scott Kaminetzky.
He could juggle so much.
Now, back to our thing.
All: Lo-cal! Hon-ey! Lo-cal! Hon-ey! Stupid A.
J.
Slick.
Cheating me out of my slot.
Roger: [Whispering.]
Hey.
Hey.
Up here.
Want to get back at A.
J.
and win that talent show? I can help.
What what are you doing in there? I'm trapped.
I dropped a Skittle down a vent, and I went in after it.
I've been in here for days.
Get a Phillips-head screwdriver and meet me by the vent in Hayley's bathroom.
Oh.
Oh, there uhp, there's the Skittle.
Went down this slightly narrower passageway here.
[scraping.]
Shit.
You came to the right guy, Steve.
[Clangs.]
[Inhales deeply.]
[Exhales.]
I love a good quest for revenge.
I'm not out for revenge, Roger.
I am a proud, life-long good boy.
Deny it all you want, but deep down, you want to get back at A.
J.
, and you want to win that show.
I admit, it'd be nice to see A.
J.
get what he deserves.
But singing was my talent.
Wha what else can I do? One word ventriloquy.
Ventriloquism? Puppet-talkin'.
One word.
In the '70's, I was half of the most popular ventril-agrgah act in the world.
I was the puppet.
I was kicked off "Match Game" for saying the word "queef" on air.
But that's neither here nor there.
Point is, just like you, my partner Dennis didn't know the first thing about ventril-gahvel.
But it didn't matter, because I do all the work.
Hmm.
Almost sounds too good to be true.
That's the spirit.
But there is one thing I'm going to need from you.
Total commitment.
- Deal.
- Good.
Because this is perhaps my most challenging character, both physically and mentally.
Even more than my mentally challenged bodybuilder character, Arnold Schwarzenegger.
First, I have to apply several layers of this pungent lacquer face paint to really make it look like I'm made out of wood.
Which is important, because almost all of my material is wood-based puns.
[Sniffs.]
Ugh! It smells worse than Principal Lewis's index finger.
Then [Grunts.]
painful prosthetics to give me fully-flappable eyebrows and ears.
And finally, I inject just a scosche of paralyzing agent into my arms and legs.
Wow, you move just like a dummy.
[Thwack!.]
Now, Steve, why do you think I slapped you? It's because you used a certain word.
- Do you know what that word is? - Is it - [Thwack!.]
- That's right! Never, ever call me a dummy.
The word "dummy" is degrading.
I am a manually-articulated perfomative kinesio-maquette named Dudley Dingleberry.
Gee, Dudley, I sure hope you remember all your lines.
Well, knock on wood.
[Knock! Knock!.]
Talk about a blockhead, am I right? [Laughter.]
Hey, ladies.
You ever seen a woodpecker? Want to see mine? [Zipper unzips.]
[Grunting.]
- Gah! Damn it! - [Laughter.]
This is why we should've rehearsed with the bird.
[Laughing.]
That orphan kid with the therapy puppet might as well head on back to his group home, because the ventriloquy slot is yours! Wow, it worked.
Everyone really thinks you're a du A what, Steve? Du Dudley.
I was gonna say Dudley.
They all think I'm a Dudley.
That's what you were gonna say? Finalists, gather up.
In five days, one of you will be crowned talent-show champion, and wait.
Where's the roly-poly Miss Carla Cannoli, My star tumbler? The brakes on Carla's bike somehow gave out! And she crashed right into the flagpole! [Dramatic music plays.]
[All gasping.]
Sounds like she took a tumble.
[Laughter.]
That kind of humor's not exactly to my taste, but I think we got a good shot at winning this thing.
Yes.
We're gonna kill the competition.
[Soft horror music plays.]
[Gagging.]
[Coughs.]
[Breathing shallowly.]
Oh.
Oh God.
[Laughter.]
My last girlfriend was Russian.
Yeah, she was a Russian nesting doll.
[Laughter.]
[Giggles.]
Oh, Steve.
I've never seen this side of you.
[Exhales affectionately.]
Bang, bang.
Easy there, toots, or I won't be the only wood in Steve's lap.
[Laughter.]
A.
J.
: You and that stupid doll.
More like Ugly Dingleberry.
We all know I'm still by far the favorite to win.
You are now, and always will be, a loser.
Hey, A.
J.
[Bleep.]
you.
[Laughter.]
All: Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! [Thunder rumbles.]
Do, re, mi Fa, sol, la, ti Do [Chuckling in distance.]
[Chuckling continues.]
Hello? Is anybody there? [Thunder crashes.]
Oh, it's just that stupid doll.
Well, back to bench pressing.
[Thunder crashes.]
Huh.
Wind must've blown it.
Must be a draft in here or something.
Stupid doll.
Again, so ugly.
[Thunder crashes.]
What's this smelly old thing doing up here anyway? You and Steve think you can take on the Slickster? Ha! You're just a stupid, old doll.
You couldn't stop me if I slapped you right in the face.
[Thwack!.]
What are you gonna do about it, doll? How about I poke you right in the eye, huh? - [Plop!.]
- Or put my fist in your mouth? Or make you eat garbage? How about that? Nom! Nom! Nom! Nom! Nom! - More slaps! - [Thwack! Thwack!.]
Enough of this! I need to hydrate.
[Thunder crashes.]
Roger: [Laughs.]
[Door slams.]
[Screams.]
[Crack!.]
[Siren wailing in the distance.]
Oh, my God! Wh what happened? Freak accident.
A barbell crushed A.
J.
's larynx The exact body part that all but guaranteed him to beat you in the talent show.
Can you believe it the coincidence? Anyway, the reason I called you is because we found your puppet lying on the floor in here.
You ought to keep better track of this guy, Smith.
Hey, where do you put your hand in this thing anywa Oh, never mind.
I found it.
Please tell me you didn't have anything to do - with A.
J.
's accident.
- Let's just say that as far as us winning the talent show goes, the bar was just lowered.
That, uh That's not the most convincing denial.
Hey, check it out.
It's the kid from the auditions.
Dude, you're so funny.
What's your name? Don't worry about it, Tyler.
If he wins the talent show, everyone will know his name.
And if he loses, it'll be like he never existed.
Great point, Marcus.
[Zippers unzip.]
[Siren wailing in the distance.]
They're here.
We're on our way to our first batch of local honey.
Now we just need a slogan.
How about [Spanish accent.]
"don't you know we're local?" Done.
[Normal voice.]
They're all dead.
E except for [sighs.]
what looks like some wasps? Did you put wasps in with the bees? Did I put some jocks in with the nerds? Hell, yeah, I did.
Our honey's gonna have some balls.
Wasps don't make honey.
And all our bees are dead.
All great businesses pivot.
Burger King was a topless maid service for decades.
Ow! A wasp just stung me.
You're having an allergic reaction.
We should get you to the hospital.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I saw we give this another shot here and double down on home remedies.
No way.
Mom? [Strained.]
He does seem to know a lot about Burger King.
[Thunder crashes.]
Well, the Middle East ain't gettin' any better.
Roger: [Menacing laugh.]
[Glass shatters.]
Hello? [Menacing laugh.]
Is someone there? Help! Roger: [Menacing laugh.]
Somebody! Help!! Aaaaaaaaahhhhh! Oh, my God! Barry! My hot-dog speed-eater! Give this boy a wiener! Stat! Oh, no.
[Weakly.]
I'm full - That is not a talent.
- Damn it! - Barry: Aah! - [Thud!.]
I turned a blind eye to these accidents, but no more! Barry's my friend! Seriously, Roger, drop the stupid puppet act.
Roger? Oh, my God.
It's like he's lost in some sort of trance.
Maybe something in here can tell me what the hell's going on with him.
- - - - - - Wow.
I really should've looked further into this book before I started this whole thing.
- - Oh, good.
[Mumbling.]
E-e-e-excuse me, sir? Could could I ask you a few questions? Y-y-you see, I-I've Well, I-I've been working with Dudley Dingleberry.
[Gasps.]
Dudley Dingleberry? You fool! You have no idea the evil forces you tamper with! The year was 1976.
Dudley and I were on "Hollywood Squares," and he started killing all the other celebrities, just so we could sit center square.
Teaming up with Dudley was my first mistake.
My second was having my other puppet, Mr.
Doodles, represent me in my murder trial.
So how do I stop him? Stop him?! There's no stopping him! You think he's the puppet? You're the puppet! He's controlling you! Did I blow your mind? Just talking about him brings it all back that horrible, mincing voice, that awful smell.
The smell? [Gasps.]
The smell! Thanks, you old creep! [Thunder crashes.]
"Industrial airplane paint.
Inhalation may cause temporary psychosis! Ages 6 and up.
" I knew it! All right, buddy.
All I have to do is get that makeup off you, and everything will go back to normal.
We'll have to forfeit the talent show, but it's a small price to Huh? Hello? - [Shouts.]
- [Screams.]
- [High-pitched screaming.]
- [Menacing laughter.]
Aah! The show much go on.
A am I early for book club? No, you're late! And that's two weeks in a row! You're out! I didn't read it anyway.
Steve: Wh-wh where am I? I-I I can't move.
Or talk.
I'm paralyzed.
And when I wake up, I put on my makeup And kill a little bit for you No.
This can't be real.
This can't be real! Oh, it's real all right.
I can't hear your thoughts.
I'm just assuming you're all like, "This can't be real! No!" You wanted to get back at A.
J.
You wanted to win the talent show.
Don't you see? Dudley Dingleberry was inside you - [Knock on door.]
- Lewis: Five minutes, Smith! [Badly imitating Steve.]
Uh okie-dokie, Principal Loomis! Lewis: That's you all right! [Normal voice.]
Show time.
[Weakly.]
You can't do this.
You're ruining the trick, Steve.
I can see your lips move.
[Applause.]
Good evening, ladies and gents! Our should I say "wood evening"? [Laughter.]
He's so good he's doing the act with his mouth taped shut! I'm absolutely losing my mind here! So, I just heard my grandpa died of Dutch elm disease! [Laughter.]
Chip on my shoulder? That is my shoulder! [Laughter.]
I've been told I can be a real son of a birch.
[Laughter.]
Look at this audience.
My God.
I never realized I was so poplar.
Poplar is a kind of tree.
[Laughter.]
Teak, oak, balsa, mahogany! This is what I live for! [Laughs.]
Steve: Oh, my God.
I'm winning.
No.
I have to stop Roger.
But how? [Laughter.]
That's it! [Laughter.]
[Pencil scratching.]
[Gasps.]
I'm in love with you too, Steve! I've always loved you! Oh, yeah.
I don't know Morse code.
That's our show! Wood night! [Laughter.]
[Chuckles.]
"Mahogany.
" Uh, Dad? I'm a little worried about Mom.
She's fine.
Just swab her with a little more of our patented, homemade poultice.
Available in the lobby! [Monstrous, plaintive moaning.]
That's it.
Really let those onion skins go to work.
Congratulations, Steve.
Despite all your efforts to remain a loser, I made you a winner.
Oh, crap.
All tuckered out, huh? Well, wish me luck.
[Ominous music plays.]
- [Door locks.]
- Did you see that tank? Looks like Snot's bringing his "A" game.
I hadn't really considered him a threat, which is why he's one of the only other contestants left.
Well, not to worry.
An escape act loses its impact if you can't escape.
[Strained.]
Roger, no! Hmm.
Looks like the paralyzing agent is starting to wear off.
I think I better make sure you stay put.
Just in case.
There.
I had to pause for a full minute in the middle of my sentence, but it was worth it.
Now to kill Snot! Aah! Aah! And now The Great Shmuel-dini shall attempt an escape from a watery death! [Dramatic music plays.]
Snot: Any escape artist worth his salt will have a bobby pin somewhere on his person at all times.
Lucky for me, I always wear a bobby pin in my hair to keep my gorgeous bangs out of my eyes.
[Groans.]
[Blows.]
[Dramatic music playing.]
Good old broomstick.
Mwah! [Latch rattles.]
[Muffled shout.]
[Audience gasps.]
Now remember, folks, his intention is to live.
So if he drowns, he loses the talent show.
[Laughing evilly.]
- [Gurgling.]
- [Audience gasps.]
It's too late, Steve! You can't save Snot with those gimpy legs of yours, so you might as well just sit back and enjoy the show.
I've got to break that glass.
- Hey! Dingleberry! - Yes? I may be paralyzed right now, but you'll always be a dummy! Say that one more time.
- I - [Gunshot.]
[Slow-motion scream.]
[Glass shatters.]
[Inhales sharply.]
[Audience gasps.]
[Shuddering weakly.]
What? How did I get here? Oh my, God, Somebody shot Steve! Oh, my God! I shot Steve! - [Screams.]
- Oh, no way.
Gross.
Okay, come on.
Oh, yeah.
Now I remember.
That's why I don't do this character anymore.
That makeup makes me crazy.
Really should've just flipped a few more pages into the old scrapbook.
And I learned Now to make sure this makeup never causes anybody harm ever again! - [Door opens.]
- [Door closes.]